


Curtains

by sabbathgoat



Category: Mötley Crüe, The Dirt (2019), The Dirt: Confessions of the World's Most Notorious Rock Band Book - Mötley Crüe & Neil Strauss
Genre: Angst, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Drug Use, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Love Confessions, M/M, Mick needs more love, Sad, Withdrawal, rest of the band is mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-11
Updated: 2020-06-11
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:35:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24667711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sabbathgoat/pseuds/sabbathgoat
Summary: It had happened once in 1988, and again in 1994. Nikki Sixx found himself no longer alone in his bed, deep within the night.The moon shown down as a savior to poor tortured souls, as he and Mick drifted off in a world where happiness was always just a stretch too far away. They were alone together; two broken hearts that could never keep hold of love, pulling those stitches tight for one another yet again.It was a problem he did not know the answer to. But maybe, they could figure that out together too.
Relationships: Mick Mars/Nikki Sixx
Comments: 6
Kudos: 23





	Curtains

**Author's Note:**

> Written to this song here:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M2wB0skdJ5o

There was a night not too many moons ago, in a house once stained with heroin, when Nikki Sixx found an alien in his bed. It was the deep of the night in 1988, and he was battling withdraws so bad his vision wouldn't stop spinning between bouts of vomit and sobs. He stumbled his way from the bathroom with a wrist on his lips to wipe the bile away, wondering if time just slowed down for everyone when they died. The clock had been playing around with the hour of 2:00 AM for a fucking _century_ now. _Maybe it just did that to those that had to pay for horrible sins after they passed- and they got stuck in Hell until their punishment was up._ Nikki thought he for _sure_ had passed away in that overdose last year, and was just being punished for all the shit he'd done when he was alive. And if not, then... _Fuck_ , he thought getting sober was supposed to _help_ , not put him through an endless road of goddamn pain.

He'd given up brushing his teeth after the fifth hour of spilling his guts had come and gone, bringing with it his tenth trip to the bathroom. And when he'd stumbled like a drunken baby doe to his sweaty bed, he'd seen an alien perched on the mattress. 

_Had Mick died with him?_

"What're you doin' here, old man?" Nikki slurred past drool. He swallowed it back, unable to stop himself from collapsing on the bed just two feet away from Mick's still, sitting body. 

_"Figured you could do with some human company,"_ Mick had whispered so sweetly. His skilled hand extended, then carded its fingers through Nikki's tangled hair. _It felt so nice..._ Nikki closed his eyes and felt his near-migrane begin to fade. _Sure_ , Mick was a caring old guy who only wanted his friends to be safe, but a thoughtful visit was something to have around noon. Not two in the morning. But... his hand was working _wonders_ on his reeling mind; a vaccine to the plague torturing his brain. So Nikki let him stay.

 _"You ain't no human,"_ Nikki forced a smirk. Sobriety may be coming with sickness at every moment, but at least it made his jokes funnier. _Sorta_. Mick had whispered something soft, way too fucking soft to hear, but Nikki's ghostly mind had finally found that eternal peace it was waiting for. _"How'd you get in by the way?"_

"Your key under the mat. Got a bad feeling about you, and look. You're practically shriveled up, like a dried prune," Mick chuckled through a breath. It made Nikki smile.

 _"Nah, 'm good. Thanks old man..."_ Nikki took one sigh in, one exhale out, and felt that overdue sleep finally start to stick around. He decided that Mick had probably slipped inside because his bitch of a girlfriend was yelling at him again or some shit- he just needed another house to hide in. But Mick was still his friend, so sober Nikki Sixx welcomed him with open, albeit shaky arms.

Mick had laid down next to him, and Nikki couldn't remember if he had fallen asleep with him there or not. He knew he'd woken up alone in the morning with no Mick Mars in sight, and deemed it all a possible fever dream. If it wasn't, then Mick never mentioned it when they saw each other next.

That was a long time ago. Not very long in terms of band history, but it was a fading memory by now to the bassist. 

Which was why it was quite a surprise when Nikki was awoken in 1994, far away in a hotel, to an alien yet again slipping beneath his covers. The full moon shone bright between the crack in the curtains where they didn't meet, illuminating the room in a calming blue hue. Nikki was facing away from the door, his back to the open bed behind him as he listened to Mick collapse on the mattress and slink under the blanket. 

He didn't roll over until Mick fell still, already knowing it was his guitarist by the scent of his aftershave. Corabi would never get in bed with him, and Tommy always announced his presence first anyways; it was only Mick who was polite enough to not awake, and remain silent as he shyly invited himself close. _Just as he had done so long ago._ Nikki let his tired eyes adjust to the living world as he took in his friend's still form. Mick's long black hair was splayed across his flushed pale face which gazed up at the ceiling, but what came as a shock the most were the tears welling in those gorgeous blue eyes. 

_"'S wrong, Mick?"_ Nikki breathed. He hated to see Mick so... _sad_... Mick was always so _careful_ with his emotions, but now Nikki only saw his older friend as a man broken into pieces before him. And if Mick was seeking comfort within _him_ , and not John or his wife Emi, then Nikki knew it was something pretty damn bad tormenting that alien's mind.

Mick was silent for a moment. He blinked, shifted an inch, then stared at nothing on the ceiling with a worried, unfocused gaze.

 _"Nothin,"_ He whispered. His tone spoke all those emotions his eyes could only spill. It made Nikki's heart shatter to pieces inside his chest.

The bassist fought a yawn, and scooted closer to Mick. Nearly pressed against the older man, with just an inch of space between them, he reached a hand up to brush Mick's black hair from his longing face. He wanted to see him fully; gaze into that ocean stare that refused to meet his own. Mick was so obviously hurting, deep down inside where things didn't know how to escape- he could practically smell the pain oozing off his old man, and it made Nikki want to just scoop him up and hold the poor fucker forever. Mick simply closed his eyes at the contact, silently thanking Nikki for the rare gesture of affection. His fingers brushed across Mick's forehead, deciding to linger there for a moment longer. They played with his dark bangs, combing them gently as Nikki carefully fought for his next words.

"Kinda funny," Nikki chuckled softly. "I was dying from withdraws the last time you got in my bed. Remember that night?" Nikki grinned. He hoped Mick remembered it. "That meant a lot to me, you know... Thought no one gave a shit about me back then. _But you did."_ His hand drifted to stroke Mick's cheek.

 _"Yeah..."_ Mick smirked. It seemed kind of forced, much too crooked, so Nikki cleared his throat and pet his hair again. It was tangled, more messy than usual, and Nikki wondered if Mick had showered at all recently... That was rather unlikely for him if not. " _You stunk like puke."_ The older man finally huffed a small laugh.

"But you still stayed with me," Nikki beamed. He shifted slightly, finally yawning as his foot began rubbing against Mick's clothed leg. It seemed to sooth his older friend even further, so he kept on doing it. His own tired green eyes eventually closed to welcome the darkness once more. He was growing heavier with sleep, as all his strength was put into touching Mick just enough to comfort the older man and not spook him away.

Silence met them for moments more, until the AC unit kicked on and blessed them with a dull white noise. Nikki thought Mick must have fallen asleep at some point then, after the older man fell silent and still. Laying next to Mick was quite nice, Nikki mused... The warm weight of the guitarist beside him was a comfort in the wide open sea he so often felt like he was drowning in.

Nikki thought Mick was asleep. He was prepared to let himself drift off too. But Mick spoke then, in a quiet whisper one would have to strain to hear. Something uttered so softly, so shyly, it was obvious too Nikki that Mick really did not want to say it. He nearly would have missed the hushed words, if he had been just an ounce more sleepy. 

_"I think Emi's cheating on me."_

Nikki's eyes opened. He said nothing. He stared at Mick's shoulder for a moment, processing the words with the lag in his brain. But his system booted up fast after that, and Nikki tilted his head to look at Mick's eyes yet again. 

"Well... I _know_ she's cheating on me," Mick continued softly. "I just..." Nikki could see fresh tears sparkling in his eyes; they filled up, then sat to cloud his vision and glisten in the moonlight, refusing to fall. _So stubborn they were, just like his old man._

"Oh..." Nikki breathed. He propped himself up on one elbow, to get a good look at Mick's face and prompt those teary blue eyes to meet his own. " _Fuck_ , I'm sorry Mick..." Those pained words were finally taking root in Nikki's head. 

_Emi was cheating on him?_ But they had made it so far, been through so fucking much... Seven goddamn years with the best guy on earth, and _now_ the bitch hurts him like that!? Nikki felt rage open the cap on it's bottle and spill into his heart, wanting to track that cunt down and rip her head right off. Mick didn't fucking deserve that, not for a _second_. Fuck! He always had such awful luck with women, all because he was just too fucking sweet and handed out just a little too much heart and soul. Nikki had thought, after he'd gotten himself sober all those years ago, that Emi would finally be the one for him- his happily ever after. She'd stuck around for all the drunken, asinine bullshit in 1987. Made it through the long distance strain in 1989. All the drama that came with their tour in 1990, and all the anger in 1992.

Nikki thought she _loved_ their Mick Mars. 

But Mick would never lie about something like that... And that made Nikki _seethe_.

 _"Y-Yeah..."_ Mick's broken voice snapped away his furious thoughts of ripping Emi's hair out, and he blinked away his own tears to see that Mick had turned his head to cry towards the wall. 

_Fuck_.

"Mick, it's gonna be okay..." Nikki sniffed a slow inhale past the snot in his nose. He desperately wanted to cry too- he was so _angry_ , so _sad_ , felt so fucking _shattered_ inside at how goddamn depressed his Mick was. _It was wrong, all wrong;_ Mick had been so happy, _so fucking happy_ to be with her! He was so joyous at their wedding, beaming so bright that even Tommy made a joke that he'd never seen the old grouch smile so big.

 _Cheating on him._ Just like The Thing. Just like his other girlfriends. Poor Mick Mars, _his_ Mick Mars, betrayed once more in their harsh fucking world that refused to give him a break.

_"I'm so sorry Mick. Really I fucking am... I know you love her so much."_

Seven years ago, when Mick gave Emi their first kiss, Nikki would have laughed his ass off at Mick's confession. Threw a beer at his head. Shoved him down. He _hated_ Emi, he hated Mick, he hated any ounce of happiness in their lives, just because he couldn't find any for himself. All the shit he'd put them through... poor Mick didn't deserve a split _second_ of it. Those thoughts made Nikki want to puke; he had been so fucking _evil_ back then... But Mick was in his direct line of fire if that vomit did come up, so he quickly swallowed his bile back down. Just like he did that night in 1988, when Mick sat in bed with him to take that withdrawing pain away.

 _Such a good fucking friend. Loyal like no other. Never asking for trouble- only always getting dealt shit._ Nikki so often wondered- never brave enough to ask it out loud- why Mick ever stuck around through so much heartache. They were so _awful_ to him back then, Emi was the only one to give him any sort love in those harsh times. Nikki really wanted to ask Mick who exactly she was sleeping with while her husband was away crying in his bed, but knew that was a question for tomorrow. Mick was hanging on with nothing but a hair, probably hers, as he lay in torment under the covers.

Nikki eventually realized years ago, after the heroin in his brain was finally evicted, that Mick Mars was just a good fucking man. A better goddamn friend. And Nikki could tell that he was a spectacular lover too.

Nikki was _jealous_ of Emi.

Thats why he hated them back then. Why he threw that bottle in Tokyo. Why he cursed Emi and Mick for fucking everything up, when it was all his own nasty fault.

 _"I love you, you know..."_ Probably words very misplaced in their current situation, but Nikki couldn't hold them back. Not anymore. He'd worked so hard to let Mick go, let him finally be happy because that's all that Mick deserved. He was no longer angry that Mick had found happiness- he was angry now, because it had come down crashing and burning.

And there Mick was; crying on his hotel bed, drenched in moonlight, quivering with raging questions in his mind of _why? Why did Emi hate him? Why did she break their promise, and then his heart?_

He looked over up at Nikki, with tears rolling away into his hair. His baby blue eyes wailed out that question he could never speak.

_'Why can't I ever just be happy?'_

And Nikki didn't know the answer. _Fuck_ , he wished he did. He wished he could tell Mick something so simple- something like, _'because your hair is an inch too long,'_ or maybe, _'try dating a brunette.'_ He wished he had an answer for his friend, one that would fix all of Mick's problems and finally get him a woman that cared. That loved him as he deserved. That loved him as much as Nikki did.

Maybe that was just the problem- _women_.

 _Chicks equal trouble_. Nikki wanted to remind Mick of that, but he knew he couldn't. Mick had come begging to him, crawling in bed with his heart ripped wide open and struggling for another pair of hands to help him keep it all inside his chest. So Nikki took a sigh in, and began helping Mick Mars to stitch that never healing hole.

He'd done that for Nikki so many times before. He had given his precious time to help heal those pin prick holes in Nikki's bleeding arms, and hold his hair back as he hung over the toilet. And now Nikki knew, he could finally repay those endless acts of kindness.

That was what friends did. And Mick Mars was a _best_ fucking friend.

Nikki placed a hand on Mick's chest, right over his racing heart that pounded in his ribs. Mick closed his eyes to suck in a shaky sigh as Nikki rubbed small circles upon his shirt, feeling his chest rise and fall with clogged breaths. 

"She doesn't deserve you, baby. And I'm _so_ fuckin' sorry she hurt you, Mick... But _I_ love you. Tommy loves you. And Vince is an ass, I don't know if we'll see him again, but I know he still loves you too. I know none of us are exactly the woman of your dreams, but... We're here for you. _No matter what."_ Nikki wished he was as good with words as he was with songs. _So many things he wanted to say to Mars. So many secrets he wished to finally spill._ But the time wasn't quite right just yet- those were whispers meant for a different full moon, on a different deep night.

Mick blinked at him, and then gazed over through the crack in the curtains.

 _"Thanks, Nikki..."_ He breathed another wet sigh. His tears kept falling, in silent little rivers that Nikki wished he could build dams for.

"I mean it. I love you. I know those girls never do, and I know that burns like _hell_ because you only deserve love and happiness... But I'm right here. Whenever you're feeling this way, just come to me. I'm glad you did tonight. _I'll hold you close, for as long as you want."_ Nikki sunk down lower, laying overtop Mick's sore body to wrap him in the best hug he could fit in. His face tucked away in the crook of Mick's neck, buried in his dark hair where Nikki could take in his scent. Mick always smelled like the humble home Nikki could never quite hold on to.

Mick choked on his next breath, twitching beneath Nikki's body. His arms snaked up, slow and shy, to return the embrace in a tight grasp. His only lifeline to any bit of love in the world at that point, as Nikki hugged him tighter.

 _"Love you too,"_ Mick whimpered. As he cried against Nikki's hair, petting it with one unsteady hand, Nikki knew his words were true. 

Such a rare saying between them. Spoken so few times before, Nikki could count them on one hand.

 _"I love you more. It'll be okay babe..."_ Nikki whispered, then kissed Mick's soft neck.

He hoped Mick believed him. He knew his friend should be holding his wife in bed, telling _her_ those hushed whispers of love and commitment- not him. But Nikki was all Mick had now. Probably all he ever did have, and all he ever will. So Nikki kissed him again, and then nuzzled close until he could feel Mick's racing pulse with his nose.

When the moon had made its way across the window they couldn't see out of, Mick eventually followed Nikki on the path to sleep. His bassist laid overtop him, just as his wife used to, and when he felt the younger man slip away from consciousness he allowed his hand to slide down and rub his friend's back. He stared through the crack in the curtains, watching the only two stars he could see slink across the opening until they disappeared from view. 

He pet Nikki's hair again, slow and steady. It was a little more corse than Emi's, more short at the shoulders, and much more dark where it bunched around Mick's face. But Mick couldn't help but love it. 

_His Nikki Sixx. Dealt a world he never deserved._ Just another one of them in this harsh reality that only knew how to give a little, and take a lot. But that was what brought them all together in the beginning- four guys walking alone in the world. Two that always had everything, and two that never got anything. They weren't all together at the moment, but Mick knew that was just because some fires burned too bright to stay alive. It was just a matter of time before more fuel was needed.

They would see Vince again. Mick was _sure_ of it. The only thing that had ever promised to stay alive for him- Nikki Sixx. Tommy Lee. Vince Neil. _His band._

Mick's _family._ _That_ was his family right there... His heart was crying out for his girl, the girl he thought would truly love him this time once and for all, but it's sobs we're hushed quiet by Nikki's words and gentle kisses upon his neck. 

Maybe that was his _love_ , too. Maybe Mick kept looking for his soulmate in all the wrong places; maybe he wasn't destined for a life to end with a gorgeous girl that loved him, living in a great big house with all the money in the world. Maybe love could only love what it had known; someone from it's same world, that had lived through all the struggles it too had been through.

Mick watched the sky grow brighter with the waking morning as he thought about Nikki Sixx. The man in bed with him, giving him more affection and acceptance than anyone ever had in such a long, _long_ a time. 

Maybe true love came hidden in plain sight. Right where it should be so painfully obvious, yet missed just enough to earn heartbreak from everyone else.

 _Maybe_ , Mick thought, _he was holding his happily every after right there in his arms._

But those were pretty heavy thoughts too have at four in the morning, and his heart was already breaking under so much weight. Not the weight from Nikki, but the weight of yet again knowing he was going to have to be alone for a while once more. Knowing he was going to have to buy a new pair of sutures, to resew his tattered heart back together again.

But perhaps Mick didn't have to fight this reoccurring battle on his own this time...

Maybe he had a home, a happiness, a love, right there with him already.

Mick planted a kiss on Nikki's head, keeping his nose buried in that dark mane of hair for a long moment to take in his scent. He smelled of everything Emi didn't, but that was more than okay. Maybe it was even _good_. He sure as hell liked it, and kissed the younger man's head again as his hands trailed up and down Nikki's breathing sides.

Mick decided, when his tears had finally dried up and sleep was knocking on the door again, that he would save those thoughts for later. Nikki was all he had in that moment- probably all he ever did have, and all he ever would. But that was okay too. He loved Nikki Sixx, and Nikki Sixx said he loved him too. To hell with the rest of the world- the world that decided happiness for Motley Crue was just a harsh dream too hard to reach. All Mick needed in that moment was a person that cared for him, and accepted his crying, broken self for everything it was. And Nikki had done that; he had picked Mick up off the floor where he had fallen crying and confused, screaming to the world _'why!? Why me, why again, why won't his hell ever end!?'_

Mick kissed Nikki's head one more time, before closing his eyes. Tomorrow, if Nikki was still laying there as he promised, Mick would ask him if he still loved him even when the sun rose.

_Maybe words of love rang the most true, when they were the hardest to say._

And if Nikki said yes... Mick knew he would always have a home waiting for him. It was hidden, a little hard to reach and a little hard to see, but it was _there_. Like the crack in the curtains, it was a sliver of light in the world of darkness they survived in.


End file.
